


reach out and breathe; it's a god-given nature

by mothmiilk



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Christianity, Coming Out, Eventual Romance, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Guilt, Slow Burn, or christian suburbia au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17303822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmiilk/pseuds/mothmiilk
Summary: Geoff's leather jacket smelled heavily of cigarettes, slightly of cologne. Maybe this was a test from God. Maybe he was supposed to deny this man, walk away back into the church and pray his being away. Ask for forgiveness for even considering getting into the car with this man.But Michael was fucking tired of praying who he was away. Tired of the guilt and tired of being who his parents wanted him to be.





	1. the hideout from stained glass

The church was not a welcoming place for Michael. 

It had been, when he was little and stared wide-eyed at the stained glass shining colorfully down at him. When the pastor's voice rang through the church halls, he was filled with a sense of being. With hope. It gave him a sense of purpose, an explanation of why things happened. It was safety. 

This all changed a few years back. 

Michael stared at the same stained glass windows now. The color shining back onto the hardwood floors. He felt as if something so beautiful shouldn't belong where hate was prevalent at those who alter from the norm. He felt as if he should be somewhere else. 

He wasn't normal.

The priest's face was scrunched up, red like the devil's as he spat his preach. Cursing those who loved others, whose love wasn't of the heavens. He spat out prayers for the aborted cells that came from women's own choices-in the same breath, wishing death to those women. Michael knew that this man had satan inside him, no matter how many white collars he put under his robes. 

He watched the patrons' faces glow darkly, taking the man's words as God's. Yet, Michael knew that God wasn't vengeful. God wasn't hate. God probably didn't even exist. 

He really didn't belong here. 

The sermon ended, and his parents guided him out of the church. Their heels clicked softly against the wood, echoing through the pews. 

"Michael," His mother addressed him outside of the church. Cars were leaving quickly, the sky darkening for rain. "I'm very disappointed in you." Her face was dark as she stared at him, forehead wrinkled in disdain. 

His father nodded, arms crossed as he stared down at Michael. He only ever seemed to agree with Michael's mother, never took the lead in conversations. It was always like this. 

"What did I do?" He asked. 

"You didn't even pay attention to the sermon!" His mother sighed, turning away from him in shame. Her hand covered her face, as if she couldn't bear to show herself to the world. "It's like you don't even care." As if she couldn't bear to have a son who acted like this.

"I do!" 

Lie. 

"I was just thinking about what he was preaching!"

Lie. 

"I was praying during the last half." 

Lie.

"I want you to think about what you have done," His mother said, opening the car door after his father got in. Michael ran up to the door, watching as she avoided eye contact with him. They hated when he acted out. Hated when he wanted to be slightly different than what they wanted him to be. What they needed him to be. "as you walk home." A raindrop landed on his arm. His mother shut the car door and he watched as they drove off, leaving him standing on the church steps. Leaving him as the rain fell faster. Leaving him alone. 

He sat down on the steps, head in his hands as he watched the last few people dash to their cars as the rain fell harder. And harder. Waiting for his parents to turn around, laugh it off with him and pull him in open arms. Tell him its okay, he's okay. Tell him that God still loves him, even as he is. That he isn't hellbound. 

Michael wasn't sure if the water on his cheeks was rain or his tears. Maybe it was both. 

It had always been like this. Ever since he could remember. God this, God that. Oh, don't do that Michael! You'll go to hell for anything deviating from a made-up book! Follow the rules, don't commit sin, be obedient. 

Some days, he just wanted to explode with all the sins he had collected along the way, the guilt eating him up, but the rebellion fueling him for more. A juxtaposition that could only be described as 'hellbound' in his parent's eyes. 

Michael Jones was surely, truly, going to be sent away from heaven. 

"Hey, Alter boy!" 

His head shot up. 

"You need a ride?" 

An old, dirty truck was parked at the bottom of the church steps. Through the open window, he saw a man. His leather jacket was dry, cigarette hanging from his lips as he smiled at Michael, eyes half-lidded. Rock music was playing loudly through his speakers.

He recognized him, had seen this man a few times throughout living in this town. His mother had warned him to stay away, that people like him would lead him into Satan's arms. 

Well, if Michael was already on his way too hell, why not indulge in it a little more? 

So, he quickly stood up, running over towards the dirty truck. The door opened for him and he slid in quickly, window rolling up after. The heater blasting as Michael shivered. 

"Who kicked you off the altar team?" The guy asked. His voice was almost lazy, a small smile playing on his lips. Michael smiled back. 

"More like my parents kicked me out of their car." 

That got him another laugh.

"What'd you do? Not pay attention to bible class?" 

"Actually? Kind of." 

"Well, your parents sound like dicks." The guy took his leather jacket off, shifting to drape it across Michael's shoulders. He took it happily, it's warmth heating his rain-soaked body. "Name's Geoff, by the way." 

"Michael." 

"Well, Michael," Geoff said, patting the jacket once it was safely draped on Michael, "Would you like to get coffee with me? Ya know, to warm up." 

Geoff's leather jacket smelled heavily of cigarettes, slightly of cologne. Maybe this was a test from God. Maybe he was supposed to deny this man, walk away back into the church and pray his being away. Ask for forgiveness for even considering getting into the car with this man.

But Michael was fucking tired of praying who he was away. Tired of the guilt and tired of being who his parents wanted him to be. 

"Sure," He said, smiling widely. "I'd love to."

"Great! Cause I know a really cute place down the way." With that, Geoff took off down the street, seatbelt abandoned behind him as he sped through neighborhoods. The radio turned up higher as Geoff sang along to whatever nonsense rock music blared through the speakers. 

If his parents knew he was with someone who listened to this kind of music, he would surely be dead. Yet, Michael couldn't find it in himself to care. 

They soon pulled up to the parking lot of the coffee shop, parking quickly as the rain continued to pour. It was cute, a small little place surrounded by trees. The outdoor seating abandoned in favor of the warm inside. The lights in the cafe, not fluorescent but lit by laps and string lights. 

"What's this place called, anyway?" Michael asked as Geoff put the car in park. "There's no sign." 

"It's called 'The Hideout'. Unofficially, though. The place doesn't really have a name." 

Geoff opened his door, stepping out into the rain as Michael followed suit. It didn't have a name? That can't be good business. They quickly ran to the doors of the cafe, wiping their shoes on the front mat before stepping inside. 

Michael was hit with the bitter smell of coffee and soft, dreamy music playing in the background. Geoff's eyes lit up as they warmed up by the front door, the hardwood floors slightly wet with footprints from the customer's shoes. Did Geoff... really come to places like this? Yes, he had just met him, but he seemed so hardcore. Seemed like someone who would step into bars and fight with the patrons. Maybe, Michael had been wrong about him. 

"Ryan!" Geoff said, a smile on his lips as he walked up to the front counter. The man, Ryan, with a mug and rag in his hands, smiled back. His blue eyes gleamed in the fairy lights. He looked kind. Someone Michael could trust. 

"Geoff," Ryan said. "Welcome back." 

Michael stood behind Geoff as the two caught up briefly. They talked like they were old friends, and maybe they were. Michael really didn't know anything about either of them. 

Had he really got in a strangers car and let him drive somewhere Michael didn't know? 

"Michael?" Geoff asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

"Huh?"

"I asked you what you wanted to drink? I'm buying." 

Michael took a deep breath. He was overthinking things, not everyone was after him. Not everyone wanted to hurt him. 

"Oh, um. I'm fine with what you're getting." 

"Alright, make that two." Geoff handed Ryan the cash and turned back to Michael, leaving him to make their drinks. "Let's sit down," Geoff said, guiding him to a table near the window. 

Outside, the rain slowed to a gentle stream. The lights inside the cafe reflected in the windows and Michael thought of how it seemed different than the stained glass in his church, but the same beauty held in it. He looked at the other customers around him. There were only a few, but all of them seemed content, sitting at their respective tables and absorbed in their own world. 

"So, why'd your parents really not let you in their car?" Geoff asked. Michael let his gaze direct back to the man. His head was resting in his palm, grey eyes staring at Michael with a soft smile. 

"They said I wasn't paying attention to the sermon and wanted me to 'think about what I did'." 

"Well, were you?" 

Michael paused. 

He really... hadn't been. He was thinking about the pastor's anger, not his words. He was thinking about the people around him, not the sermon. 

"No, not really." 

"I don't really know shit about churches, but that isn't enough of an issue to make you walk in the rain," Geoff said, smiling as Ryan set their mugs down in front of them. He waited until the man was back behind the counter before he continued. "Your parents seem overly-religious." 

"They are." 

"In a bad way." 

Geoff took a sip of his coffee, eyes peering at Michael from over the mug. Michael's hands wrapped around his own mug, staring down at it. 

"I guess," He mumbled, taking a sip, and wow. It was really good. It wasn't too bitter but didn't overwhelm him with sweetener. 

"Good, isn't it?" Geoff smiled. Michael nodded in reply, smiling back as he took another sip. 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, appreciating the view outside and the taste of Ryan's coffee. It was nice, getting away from everything he's ever known to be with some stranger. Someone who just picked him up from outside a church in the rain. He must have looked like a wet mutt sitting on those stairs, head in his hands. 

Their coffee was almost gone, grown cold and bitter. Geoff's leg brushed up against his own and Michael looked up at him. His phone was being offered to Michael. 

"Give me your number," Goeff said after a second. "Just in case you ever need another ride, altar boy," He smiled. Michael laughed and put it in quickly, saving it under his full name as he passed it back to Geoff.

"Why'd you pick me up in the first place, anyway?" Michael asked as he took his last sip of coffee. Geoff stood up and grabbed both their mugs, leading him to the dish bin near the front door. 

"You looked like you needed some comforting," He said, opening the door for Michael after setting the mugs in the bin. "Plus, I thought you looked cute." 

Michael stopped outside the door, cheeks turning red as he processed what Geoff said to him. Was Geoff...? No, he meant cute like a puppy, cute like a dog begging to get inside the house. He didn't mean anything else by it. Of course not. Geoff wasn't... like him. Michael was projecting. 

"Want me to drive you home?" 

Michael looked up at the sky. It was getting to be sunset, around 6ish, he guessed. His parents had always taken him to the afternoon service ever since he was little, not being morning people themselves. It was just part of who they were, how they were raised. 

His parents were going to kill him when he got home. 

"Yeah, that would be great." 

After getting in the car and giving Geoff his address, they drove in silence. Geoff wasn't blasting his music any longer, and Michael could actually appreciate it this way. 

"You know," Geoff said after a bit. "Churches don't always do good." 

Michael looked at him. His black hair was a mess from the rain, stubble shiny from water drops. Michael thought about how a man like Geoff could be beautiful. How his eyes were kind and soft, yet he looked strong and confident. Everything Michael wanted and couldn't be. 

"Like," Geoff continued. "Sometimes they say mean shit about certain people, and it isn't always true, you know? Not everything they say is a sin, is actually... you know." 

"I know." 

"Good. Don't like it when people get all brainwashed by it." 

The car pulled into his neighborhood sooner than he wanted it too. Michael had really, really enjoyed his time with Geoff. 

"Here we are." Geoff had parked across the street, music off as they drove into his neighborhood. Michael sighed, looking down at his hands. 

"Yeah," He said. His hands were partly in his sleeves, black leather stark against his pale skin. "Oh! I'm still wearing your jacket." He moved to take it off, but Geoff stopped him. 

"Nah, keep it. Looks better on you anyway." Geoff smiled, eyes darting from Michael's lips to his eyes. Heat raised in Michael's cheeks. 

"Well, thank you for the ride," He said, opening the passenger door quickly. He heard Geoff sigh but chose to ignore it as he walked around the car towards his house. 

"Michael, wait," Geoff said softly. He turned around and saw Geoff, window rolled down. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'll text you, baby." 

With that, Geoff sped off, music blaring again as water sprayed from his tires, almost hitting Michael. 

Michael felt like he had whiplash, heart pounding against his chest. God. He was fucked up. He shouldn't be reacting like this. He should be okay. He should love girls. He shouldn't be thinking about how Goeff's grey eyes looked like the sky, how his hands looked strong enough to hold him, how he wanted Geoff to kiss him right now immediately. 

He turned towards his house, his parent's car in the driveway. 

Michael was sure he was going to die tonight.


	2. of swing sets and cornfields

_Geoff: Mornin, cutie._

Michael had been staring at the text for the last hour, trying desperately to think of a reply. Should he say good morning back? Or was it too late for that? Should he add a pet name? No, that wasn't like Michael. Plus he might suffer a heart attack from embarrassment if he replied like that. 

"Dude, you're overthinking it." 

His best friend, Ray, had asked to meet him in the park earlier that morning after a three-hour phone conversation the night before. Michael had told him everything. From the car ride to the leg touching to how Geoff's eyes made him feel like he was dying. He always told Ray everything. 

He was thankful that Ray didn't care that Geoff was a boy. 

"But what if I reply something weird!" Michael said, pushing himself back and forth softly on the swing. Ray was sat on the one next to him, seat turned over to avoid wet pants from the morning dew. "I don't want him to think I'm weird." He looked at the sky, it was still slightly grey from the morning and Michael hated how he thought of Geoff's eyes. 

"You are weird. Just fucking say hi or some shit," Ray sighed. He pulled his hoodie closer, trying to block the morning cold out. Michael had initially thought of wearing Geoff's jacket today, but knew that Ray would tease him relentlessly about it. Instead, he was wearing one of Ray's hoodies just to annoy him. 

"Fine. I'll just say hi." 

_Michael: Hi._

"See? Wasn't that bad," Ray mumbled. Michael punched Ray in the arm, laughing as he faked hurt with a pout, the swing creaking under him. 

"Whatever, dude." 

They'd known each other forever, Michael and Ray. Ever since Ray's parents moved down the street from him. They met in the same elementary class when Ray pushed Michael off the playground, twisting his ankle and forced to apologize. For some reason after that, they were inseparable. They went to church together, went to camp together, even used to bathe together when they were younger. They were each other's first kiss, something quick and platonic at the age of 13 just to get it over with. It had meant nothing more, and Michael had always been fine with that, just as Ray was. 

Michael was sure his parents still thought Ray was a Christian. Still thought he was straight. 

"Remember that guy I was talking to?" Ray asked. 

"The one with the extra toe?" 

"No, dipshit. The one with the scar on his face." 

"Right. Yes, I remember him." 

"Well feel free to forget him, cause he's nothing to me anymore." 

Michael laughed. Ray had a tendency to drop boys quicker than flies. They never got official, just messed around until Ray got sick of their "I'm straight but a mouth is a mouth" bullshit. Michael couldn't blame him, though. He was enjoying his life, being who he wanted to be even if the guys were shit. Michael sometimes wished he was like that. Wished he could just accept that he was already ruined for heaven and could be who he wanted to be. 

But he had never been as confident as Ray. Not even when they were younger. 

"How'd your parents take you coming home late, by the way?" Ray asked, kicking the mulch in front of him aimlessly. 

"They asked me why I got home so late and I told them I got lost," He replied. "They believed me, but wouldn't have if I didn't hide Geoff's jacket in the backyard first." 

"Smart thinking. Your parents would have heart attacks if they saw you in leather." 

"Not to mention the cigarette smoke." 

"Hot." 

Michael punched Ray again. 

"So," Ray started again. "You think you like Geoff?" 

"I..." He paused. Michael honestly had no idea. On one hand, Geoff made his heart feel like it was dying. Made his cheeks feel warm and his stomach crawl with butterflies. On the other hand... "He's a boy, Ray." The sun peaked through the clouds, and Michael squinted slightly. 

"So? I like boys. Hell, I fuck boys. It's not a big deal anymore." 

Maybe it wasn't to Ray. Maybe Ray was fine with the idea of God hating him, of heaven kicking him out for being who he was, but Michael wasn't okay with that. Not yet, at least. 

"Michael," Ray started again. "You like Geoff. Any God that would be pissed about someone liking another person isn't, like, cool or some shit. You know what I mean." 

Michael laughed and thanked Ray for the words of comfort. Even if that may be true, Michael feared God more than he'd like to admit. He feared the church, feared what his parents would do if they found out. He had another year until he could leave home, so until then he had to hide. 

His phone vibrated. 

Michael almost dropped it in the mulch. 

_Geoff: Got any plans today?_

"He asked me if I had any plans," Michael said, showing Ray his phone. 

_Michael: I'll be with my friend Ray most of the day._

"Why'd you say that?" 

"Cause it's the truth." 

Ray sighed and leaned closer on the swing as the three dots appeared at the bottom of the screen. 

_Geoff: Perfect. Give me your location and I'll pick Y'all up._

"Send him your location!" Ray said, smiling widely as he grabbed for Michael's phone. "I wanna meet him!" 

"Fine, fine! Calm down, Ray." He sent his location quickly, getting a _'Be there soon!'_ in reply. Michael let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He didn't know why he was nervous for Ray to meet Geoff, hell, he didn't know why he himself was nervous to see Geoff again!

But in all honesty, his heart wasn't beating so quickly out of fear. 

Five minutes passed, and soon he heard the same loud rock music blaring from a dirty truck going way too fast. He looked over to Ray, whose eyes shone with an excited smile. 

"Michael!" Geoff yelled, turning down the music. In the passenger seat, the same guy from the coffee shop, Ryan, sat with a smile. "Get in." The sun disappeared back behind the clouds, a soft grey setting into the sky. 

Ray ran towards the truck, Michael dragged along by his hand. 

Ryan slid out of his seat and gestured for the two to get in. There was no back seat, no center console. Just one front seat stretched along the car's width. Ray pushed him in first, forced to sit next to Geoff as Ray slid in next to him, then Ryan. It was a squeeze, but no one really seemed to mind. 

"Ryan, this is Michael's friend Ray," Geoff smiled, arm resting along the back of the seat, as if it was across Michael's shoulders. He could feel the heat rise in his cheeks, ignoring Ray's smile at Ryan in favor of his own thoughts. Like how warm Geoff's arm was when it accidentally touched his shoulders. And how well he fit rested against Geoff's side. And how he wanted to rest his head against Geoff's shoulder. 

"So, where are we going?" Ray asked, smiling up at Ryan. Michael knew that smile, the one where his eye's get big and innocent, cheeks red and lips pursed. The one that gets men weak in the knees. God, Michael wished he knew how to do that.

"We're goin' to the cornfield," Ryan said, arm resting on the open window. 

"They're having their annual corn maze and hayride shits. Figured we could fuck around until we got bored," Geoff said. 

"The one at Cox farm?" Ray asked. 

"Precisely," Ryan replied. 

The drive there was quick with Geoff's speeding. Michael had never been to this particular farm before, but from the looks of it, everyone else had. He sighed inwardly, just another thing he'd been left out knowing as a child. As they arrived, Michael saw the huge cornfield spanning a few acres around. There were children running around, tired parents trying to chase after them, and bored teenagers looking for things to do other than get high and drink their teen years away. 

Geoff parked in the empty field next to a few other cars, helping Michael out on his side with a hand and a smile, receiving a shy smile back from Michael. His hand was warm against his own, larger. The moment ended too quickly and Michael wished he could hold Geoff's hand tightly. 

"Ever been here?" Geoff asked. Michael shook his head, earning an enthusiastic look in return. 

"You'll love it." He heard Ryan say from the other side. As a group, they walk together towards the farm, Geoff's hand placed on the small of Michael's back. 

"You guys fine with doing the corn maze first?" Geoff asked, a smile on his lips as he looked towards Michael.

"I'm down," Michael replied, earning the same response from the others. 

The ground was solid below Michael's feet as they walked. He heard Ray explain to Ryan about his previous fling, how the guy was so 'ridiculously straight', earning a laugh from Ryan. Michael thought they looked nice together, and despite not knowing Ryan well, he was glad Ray was interested in someone that was nice to him. 

Maybe Michael would find someone like that.

Maybe Geoff would be that person. 

No, Geoff was a man. One that smoked and wore leather and didn't go to church. He needed to find a nice girl to settle down with, someone his parents could be happy about. Someone he could have kids with and teach them about church and-

He had to be okay. 

"Michael?" Ray asked, tugging on his other hand. "You're spacing out again." 

"Huh? Oh, my bad," Michael said, forcing a smile on his lips. Ray eyed him, but turned back around as they arrived at the maze's entrance. 

They entered together, Ryan and Ray chatting away in front of them. Geoff's hand fell from Michael's back as they turned a corner. 

Geoff leaned in slowly. 

Michael felt his heart jump.

"I have a plan," Geoff whispered in his ear, sending a shiver down Michael's spine. He felt Geoff's hand grip his own, and soon he was tugged in the other direction, leaving Ray and Ryan walking away from them. 

They ran for a bit, hand in hand. Geoff taking multiple turns down the path. The golden cornstalks matched the sky and Michael found himself thinking of Geoff's eyes again. The cold grey that somehow filled Michael with comfort. Michael was completely lost by now but didn't care. He didn't care about anything at that point. Geoff's hand was warm and calloused and fit perfectly in his own, his jean jacket touching Michael's wrist and he felt his lungs burn but he didn't care. 

Michael believed that he could live in this moment forever, running through cornstalks with a man who he felt would change his whole world, for better and for worse. Someone he didn't have to pretend to be some good-natured alter boy. Someone he could just relax and breathe around. Michael let out a laugh, felt his chest warm, and finally, fully, started running with Geoff. 

He was shoved into a group of cornstalks before he realized anything else. Geoff was crouching down next to him, face close to his own as he panted, out of breath just like Michael. 

"What the frick, Geoff?" Michael asked, looking exasperated as he waited for an answer. Geoff smiled and pushed him down lower. 

"We're gonna scare those dickheads." Geoff's smile was bright, hand still grasping Michael's. The sun was high above them and Michael swore he saw the light hit Geoff so directly that it looked heavenly, almost halo-like. 

Geoff's eyes met Michael's slowly. The grey-blue tint shining brightly as they kept eye contact. Michael knew his face was red, knew his freckles stood out more, knew his lips were parted slightly as he tried to catch his breath. Geoff licked his lips, eyes trailing to Michael's own. Michael could help but do the same to Geoff. A hand slowly made it's way to his freckled face, thumb stroking the cheekbone that jutted out. 

"Think we lost them?" He heard Ray's voice from around the corner. Geoff sighed and crouched down lower, Michael followed suit, feeling the ghost of a hand still holding his face gently. 

His heart was beating so fast he might be having a panic attack. That moment between them... Would Geoff really...?

"Maybe," He heard Ryan reply. 

No. It was a fluke. Michael had been seeing things. Feeling things. He probably just had dirt on his face! Yeah, Geoff was just brushing it away like the gentleman he was. 

Geoff smiled wickedly as he moved towards the path slowly, finally seeing them round the corner and come into view. And-

"Geoff... What the hell are you doing in the corn with Michael?" 

Ryan had seen them. He heard Geoff sigh loudly next to him, curse, and slowly climbing out of the stalks, helping Michael out as well. 

"We were going to scare Y'all," Geoff muttered, swiping the dead leaves off his pants. Michael knew his face was still red, and knew Ray was smiling coyly next to him. "But _someone_ ," he stared at Ryan, "is a bitch." 

"How'd you even know we were going to come up this way?" Ray asked, helping Michael swat dirt and leaves off his jeans. 

"We always go the same way, every year," Ryan replied. "That's why I knew something was up when Geoff disappeared with Michael." 

"You always know what's up, Rye," Geoff muttered. 

Ryan slapped Geoff on the back and they continued walking, Michael and Ray behind them. Ray kept trying to pull him aside, to ask what happened, nudge his side and get the 'deets', but Michael was closed tight. He would tell Ray later, but not with Geoff two steps infront of him, talking about cars with Ryan. 

They found their way out of the maze eventually, not without Ray trying to steal some corn and Michael yelling at him to put it back. 

"It's free corn!" Ray had tried to defend. Michael had still made him put it back, not without a 'damn capitalistic pig' muttered under his breath.

Michael felt as if he was genuinely having fun for once. Throughout his childhood, the most fun he had like this was at summer camp where the kids were chaotic and refused to listen to the councilors, their pent-up energy finally released the second they step foot outdoors. 

He felt young again, despite still being 17. He felt like a real teenager. 

Kind of lame, huh? 

"Wanna go on the hayride?" Geoff asked, turning around with a smile so bright it could blind Michael. 

"Yeah!" He said, Ray agreeing in turn. 

"Great! They have this haunted one and-" 

Geoff continued to ramble off, his face wide with a constant grin. Ryan seemed to look at him with the same smile, then to Ray, shine in his eyes as he looked down at Michael's friend. Their hands touched briefly, and Michael couldn't help but smile. He was happy that Ray was interested in someone that Michael could trust. And Michael knew he could trust Ryan, knew he could trust Geoff, knew he could trust Ray. 

Michael Jones took a deep breath. The sky was a light grey, blue shining through in odd places. He thought of Geoff's eyes, and how similar they seemed to be. How he couldn't help but think that maybe, he really did like Geoff. 

Maybe, just maybe, that might be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're liking it so far, please leave kudos/comments/bookmarks! They really do help motivate me <3


	3. nostalgic calls of christian guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist on 8tracks for this fic! Check it out of you'd like!  
> https://8tracks.com/mouthblood/reach-out-and-breathe-it-s-a-god-given-nature#smart_id=dj:5891866  
> As always, comments/kudos are always appreciated!

Michael wasn't sure if he loved Geoff. 

Hell, he wasn't sure if he even felt anything towards the man. Ray seemed to think he did. From the long glances to the red faces even to the small touches that Michael can't seem to get out of his god damn head. 

'You like him,' Ray would say. 

But did he? Was this more than just an infatuation with rebellion due to being repressed those feelings throughout his childhood? It couldn't be more than that. Michael had kissed girls before. He had dated girls before. He hadn't found one that he'd been comfortable with, but he had been close. 

Yeah, whatever this was with Geoff, it was just a silly teenage thing. Something he' grow out of. It wouldn't last long. He'd get over it and move on! But if that is true, then how come Michael still dreamed of Geoff every fucking night? How come he still sleeps with his jacket and thinks of touching him and being near him? 

This seemed... more than simple infatuation. And that's exactly what Michael was scared of. 

It had been over a week since their visit to Cox farm. Ray had become closer with Ryan, and in turn, Michael with Geoff. It was strange, normally it was just the two of them. Together always. They never really had another person into their duo before. Not that they hadn't tired, there were a few people who had joined for a few weeks but left. It just happens. But Michael felt that these two, Geoff and Ryan, were different than that. For whatever reason. 

His phone rang loudly, dragging him out of his thoughts. Michael quickly picked it up, looked at the caller ID, and smiled. 

"Gav?" Michael answered, hearing a loud squeak from the other end. 

"Michael!" Gavin yelled. Michael laughed, wincing at the noise. "I have the best news!" 

Michael had met Gavin in middle school. He was a transfer student for that year, staying there to experience 'America' per his parents' request. In that year, he became best friends with Ray and Michael, all three of them inseparable. His parents loved Gavin, loved that he was a good Christian boy. They all had been at that time. 

But eventually, Gavin moved back to England and left Michael and Ray. And only recently did Michael find Gavin again via the internet. 

"What's the news?" Michael asked, putting his phone between his shoulder and ear as he pulled out his clothes for the day. He had just woken up a while ago, morning sticking to his limbs as he tried to get things done for once. 

"I'm coming back to America!" 

Michael froze. 

"What?" 

"Yeah! I got a friend here coming with me and we found a place with some guy that we can stay at for cheap near your house!" Gavin said, half jumbling his words together. 

"That's... that's amazing Gavin!" Michael laughed. He set the shirt he had in his hands down and sat on his bed, hand running through his hair. "When are you moving?" 

"In about a week or two, I just have to triple confirm with this guy to make sure the rent is what he says it will be." 

"Okay, well the second you get here tell me. We're going out with Ray, okay?"

"Yes! Of course Micoo." 

They stayed on the phone for a few more moments before Gavin had to hang up for work. Michael hung up with a quick goodbye and immediately texted Ray. 

_Michael: Gav's moving back here in a week!!_

_Ray: NO FUCKIN WAY_

Michael smiled, setting his phone back down on his bed. He knew Ray was going to spam Gavin for the next hour or so about details, so he was left to his own devices to process Gavin coming back to America. 

He wanted Gavin to meet Geoff. 

Speaking of Geoff, Michael had plans with him today. They had initially planned to go to the mall and act as dumb reckless teenagers often do, but considering he was going to be with Geoff all day, anything could honestly happen. Hell, they could end up a state away and Michael wouldn't be that surprised 

His phone buzzed again, and this time, it was from Geoff. 

_Geoff: Get ready, gonna be headed your way soon_

Michael set a quick confirmation text before turning to his closet and pulling out jeans. Quickly, he changed into the shirt he had gotten out earlier and the pale blue jeans. He grabbed a zip-up hoodie before slipping his shoes on and putting his phone in his back pocket. 

"Oh, Michael, Good morning!" His mother said from the kitchen, hands full of groceries. Michael moved to help her, grabbing the bags and setting them down on the counter. 

"Morning, mom," He said as he grabbed the milk and eggs, putting them away into the fridge. "I'm gonna hang out with Ray today, by the way. We'll be at his place." 

Lie. 

"That's fine, just make sure to text me when you get there!" 

"I will." 

With that, he walked out the front door and to their meeting spot just down the street. They had planned the spot a week after they met, using it just in case Michael's parents looked out the window when Geoff was in the street. When Michael was with him. When they were smiling and saying goodbye, or even hello. 

Michael hated hiding Geoff. Michael hated hiding who he was. 

But, like all the things he hid from his parents, it was for their sake. They would have a heart attack if they found out Michael was hanging out with people who listened to rock music, or wore leather, or smoked cigarettes. 

He himself would be killed. Metaphorically. At least he hoped. 

"Hey baby, can I get your number?" 

Geoff pulled into the meeting spot just as Michael got there, cigarette hanging from his lips as he winked at him. Michael knew his face was warming but ignored it in favor of running towards the truck. Towards Geoff. 

"Shut up, dude," Michael laughed as he opened the truck door. Geoff smiled as he jumped in and shut the door behind him. 

"Only if you make me." Geoff sped off quickly, radio blaring from the speakers yet again. "You still good with the mall?" 

"I'm fine with it," Michael said, arm resting on the open window. "Question is, are you? Mall isn't too 'preppy' for you?" 

Geoff laughed. His eyes squinted slightly and he shook his head. It was the most beautiful thing Michael has ever seen. 

"Nah," Geoff said. "The mall isn't too 'preppy'." 

The sun was high in the sky, illuminating the road in front of them. With the windows down, Geoff's hair was pushed back, his grey eyes concentrated on the road in front of him. One hand on the steering wheel, the other stretched out on the back of the seat. It was warm enough outside that Geoff was wearing short sleeves. 

And of course, of fucking course, Geoff had sleeves of tattoos disappearing into his shirt sleeves. They were colorful, descriptions of ships and a compass. It was beautiful. Geoff was beautiful. Michael's heart sped up. He turned back to look out the window, catching a side smile from Geoff. He had been caught staring. Of course, he had. He hadn't really been hiding the fact. 

"Like my tats?" Geoff asked, pulling a sleeve up to show off more of his ink. Michael looked back over, fully staring at the ink. It drifted down his arm and onto his hands. It would contrast so nicely with his own skin. Geoffs hands on his skin grabbing him and pulling him closer...

Michael quickly looked down at his lap. 

"They're uh... neat," He said. He really couldn't think like that. Geoff would think he was weird, would think he was different and not normal and would call the church and his parents-

Michael took a deep breath and looked back out the window. 

The mall came into view after that. It wasn't anything spectacular, it had all the usuals that a mall has, plus a small food court, but it was where everyone went to hang out since there wasn't anywhere else in their town. Geoff pulled into the parking lot slowly, going up and down the lanes and cursing out someone who stole the spot he was waiting for. Michael held his laughter back watching Geoff fume at an old lady. When they finally found a spot, which was at least half a mile away, Geoff pulled in quickly and turned the car off. 

"Maybe the mall on a Saturday wasn't a great date idea," Geoff laughed. 

"You think?" Michael replied without thinking. Then he thought. Then he realized. 

Date. This was a date. Michael Jones was on a date with Geoff Ramsey. A man who smokes. A man who wears leather. A man who goes to coffee shops and blasts rock music and doesn't wear a seatbelt. A _man_.

Despite all of that, he still felt his heart beating and his cheeks heating and couldn't help but feel giddy at the fact that this was a _date_. 

The entrance was packed with people, and as Michael walked into the air-conditioned building, fluorescent lights hit his eyes and he blinked to adjust. Geoff smiled at him, and with that, they navigated through the crowd, passing teenagers, adults, children, anyone, and everyone. He recognized no one. 

A part of him was relieved. No one he knew, no one his parents knew, no one his church knew. He was safe in this public space, somehow. Safe with Geoff. Safe. 

Geoff's hands brushed his own, warmth shot up Michael's hand and into his shoulder. His hand was grasped, fingers intertwined. Geoff's hand was rough, but warm. Stronger than Michael's, he could tell. Callouses hinting at years of hard work. Maybe on cars? Maybe something else? Michael would have to ask him later. 

He should feel guilty. He should be walking away from Geoff. He should be holding hands with a nice girl, someone he could make a family with. Someone his parents would approve of. Someone God would approve of. He shouldn't be here. He should be around Geoff, leading him to rock music and no seatbelts and cigarette soaked leather. He shouldn't be around Geoff and his friends, around people who were at ease, who didn't fear God, didn't fear in everything they weren't supposed to be, everything that they _were_. 

Geoff squeezed his hand tighter, and when Michael met his eyes, the same ones that stared at him over the coffee mug, the same ones that shone in the cornfield when their faces almost closed in, the same ones that were staring at him now, smiling and wrinkled slightly on the side, Michael smiled back. Guilt was replaced with safety, with affection and comfort. Michael was okay. They were okay. In this mall with people they didn't know, faces they probably wouldn't pass by again, they were okay. 

Maybe God would forgive him for this one slip up, this one time where he could be safe and be himself. Be apart from the church and the hate and the guilt that ate him alive every fucking second that he wasn't praying for forgiveness. 

And maybe, Michael couldn't really find it in himself to care if God forgave him or not. Just this one time. 

When Michael dragged himself out of his thoughts, they were in a furniture store, hands tightly grasped as Geoff made a comment on some fluffy pink floor rug. 

"That's atrocious," Michael laughed, poking it with his free hand. Geoff scoffed, hand over his heart.

"That's exactly why I love it! Just imagine, this paired with neon yellow shower curtains." 

"Horrible. Bad idea." 

Geoff rolled his eyes at him, but held his smile. Even in the fluorescent lights, Geoff looked wonderful. 

"Well, what about this bedspread-" 

"Do you gentlemen need help with anything?" 

A young lady approached them, a smile on her face. She wore the store uniform neatly and her colorful hair in a high ponytail, glasses framing her pale face. 

"Nah, just browsing," Geoff answered, running his hand along another soft pillow. 

"Well, I just want to say I think it's wonderful that you two are looking, at such a young age too!" Her eyes lit up, hands at her heart. 

Oh. 

She thought...

"No-" 

"Aw, thank you," Geoff interrupted, wrapping an arm around Michael's waist, lighting up his cheeks in the process. "We just can't wait to find a place of our own." 

"How romantic!" She said. "I'm looking for a place for me and my girlfriend right now, so I wish you luck!" 

"Thank you... Meg," Geoff said, reading her nametag and winking at her. She left with a wave, and Geoff smiled. 

Michael's heart was still racing. Geoff looked down at him. 

"All good there?" 

"Um... yeah," He replied. Geoff laughed and took his hand in his own once again. 

"No pain in a little pretend, she seemed happy about it." 

"Right." 

It had seemed a little too convincing though, as if it was something Geoff had thought about. He smiled to himself, following Geoff as he led the way again, dragging Michael along the store halls as he made snarky comments on whatever he deemed trashy. 

They eventually made their way to the food court, and after ordering some greasy fast food that Michael's parent would have hated, they sat in a small booth together, legs intertwined as they ate. 

"My parents are kinda like yours, you know," Geoff said, taking a bite into his burger. Michael looked up at him, eyes wide. 

"How so?" 

"Super conservative, except I grew up in Alabama, so that's a given." 

Michael watched as Geoff put his food down slowly. He took a deep breath and wiped his hands on a napkin. 

"Listen, Michael. I know I've said this before, but churches don't always do good." 

"I know," Michael said, setting his food down as well. Geoff ran a hand through his hair and sighed. 

"Do you? Like do you get what I'm implying here?"

Michael looked down at his lap. His hands were fidgeting, leg jumping slightly in place. 

"I don't..." Michael took a deep breath. This wasn't something he wanted to admit. This isn't something he should admit. "I don't agree-" He kept going, his fidgeting increasing as he looked around him. There was no use in hiding it. "-with everything the church says." 

Michael was going to hell. 

He already knew this. 

Geoff smiled, leaning back in his seat. His grey eyes filled with light as he laughed, not at Michael, but in relief. Michael wished he could be as confident in himself as Geoff was. Maybe he should just admit it, get over the religious guilt of being something _different_. Something that wasn't a cookie cutter version of what every Christian should be. Geoff kept staring at him, his smile fading slowly. Something else grew upon his face.

Empathy. 

"You feel guilty about it," He stated. Michael nodded slowly, closing his eyes when he felt Geoff's hand touch his. 

Geoff was always so warm, so bright and kind and _different_. 

"That's okay," Geoff said, fully grasping Michael's hand in his own. "It's okay." 

"Is it?" 

Geoff smiled again, both hands reaching for Michael's. Michael finally opened his eyes at met Geoff's. His face was soft, kind, not pitiful, but like He knew what Michael was feeling, knew what was going through his head and knew how to help. 

"Come to my church tomorrow. You'll see." 

"You go to... church?" 

Geoff laughed again and sat up, taking one of his hands away and picking up his drink. 

"Yeah, it's a special church for people like us." Geoff took a sip and smiled at Michael's confusion. "You'll see. Just wear whatever and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?" 

Michael was going to church. With Geoff. Tomorrow. Then going to _his_ church. With his parents. Tomorrow.

"Okay."


	4. the calling from John 4:7-8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I just want to let you know that updates will be slowing down quite a lot. I'm back at college and have a lot of work on my plate. But, I intend to finish this fic through and through. So make sure to check back every now and then!  
> As always, let me know in the comments what you think! Any advice, recommendations, or just random comments are always welcome!

Saturday slowly ended with family dinner and a movie on Netflix, as they usually had throughout Michael's childhood, and soon enough blended into Sunday morning, his alarm blaring in his ears. He almost forgot what he had promised Geoff yesterday at the mall, almost laid his head back down and fell asleep, eyes blinking slowly before he sat up quickly. His heart was slamming in his chest. 

Geoff was taking him to church. 

Michael jumped out of his bed and half-ran to his bathroom, turning the shower on to warm up before looking at himself in the mirror. The heat fogged the corners of the mirror slowly.

A church for people like them? Michael didn't think such a thing could exist. Or even... what it could mean. Was it for people with guilt? Or maybe people who just didn't fully believe the bible through and through? 

Or... was it? 

No. He was only hoping. Only wishing what could be true, what could be tolerated and accepted. Michael sighed, watching as the fog blurred over his reflection completely before stepping into the shower, feeling the heat on his head and back. 

He couldn't let himself get this distracted. Couldn't dwell on hopes and dreams of what his church could possibly be. It was what it was. Restricting, obedient, something he could be trapped in. Nothing could change that, whatever little church Geoff was taking him to would be the same, but dulled. Promising release and freedom but binding his heart just the same. 

Not to mention that Gavin would be moving back soon, someone who had always held the Lord close to his chest, believed wholeheartedly in the Bible and was faithful. He was someone Michael always wished he could be, someone who went to Bible study weekly along with church and youth group, someone who loved God and would grow up and marry a good Christian girl, have children, spread their faith. 

Would he have to hide Geoff from Gavin? Would Gavin hate who he has become, someone who hung out with boys like Geoff, someone who stayed friends with Ray, someone who might be in love with a _boy_? 

Michael held so much doubt in his body over everything, so much fucking guilt over anything. He hated doubting his friends, hated feeling like he was stepping on nails every step of the way. He wanted so desperately to trust Geoff, to trust Gavin, to trust Ray and Ryan. But it was either hiding who he was, or becoming someone God wouldn't approve of. 

The shower soon turned cold, breaking him out of his thoughts. Michael quickly finished his shower, jumping out and wrapping a towel around his waist. 

Maybe this new Church would be better than his. Maybe all his doubts were just... thoughts, worries that he could escape? 

Michael took a deep breath, clearing his head. He looked back to the mirror, fog covering each inch. He wiped his hand across the glass and stared at himself, smiled, and walked back into his bedroom. 

All he had to do was get dressed and wait for Geoff to tell him to meet at their spot. 

As he was pulling his jeans on, there was a soft knock at his door. His mother stepped through soon after, and Michael picked up his shirt and slipped it on. 

"You're up early," His mother smiled, picking up the towel and drying his hair for him, rubbing the material over his wet curls. Michael sighed and grabbed the towel himself. 

"Yeah, I'm going to morning service with a friend," He said, glad that he didn't have to lie this time. Michael loved his parents. They had always treated him relatively well, despite the odd punishments and forced religion. Yes, they could be a little harsh at times, could push a little too much and have kicked him out a few times for being friends with the wrong people, but they cared for him. Michael knew that their strange authority and punishments were all because they wholeheartedly believed all that religious talk their pastor spat. 

Sometimes, Michael did too.

"That's great! Are you still going to afternoon service with us?" 

There was a soft edge to her voice, a forcefulness that he recognized. She wasn't asking. She was telling. There was only one right answer. 

"Of course, mom." 

"Great! Make sure you're not late." 

"I've got it." 

"Have fun, Michael!" With that, his mother left his room, shutting the door softly behind her. 

They did care about him. They really did. 

They also still wanted to control his life. 

Geoff texted him soon after, a quick 'I'm at the meeting place!' that made Michael's veins warm. Geoff always made him feel better. Always soothed him from his doubts and anxieties. He was someone Michael felt safe with, despite the guilt that wrecked his body every so often, he was comfortable with Geoff. 

He just had yet to admit to himself that maybe, his feelings towards Geoff were more than platonic. 

Michael quickly headed out of his home, waving goodbye to his father as he sat outside working on his car. His father smiled back, waving in return with an oil-stained rag. 

And when Michael showed up at the meeting spot, seeing Geoff's old truck idling in the parking lot near the old bus stop, Michael assumed he would have more anxiety than this. He was going to church with Geoff, with people _like them_. He didn't even know what that meant! 

But he didn't.

He was calm, maybe a little nervous, but overall okay. 

Geoff smiled brightly at him as he got into the truck, music turned down and cigarette dropped from between his fingers onto the asphalt below. This was the first time Michael actually saw Geoff smoke. 

"You ready?" Geoff asked. A large hand moved to rest on Michael's thigh, and Michael felt heat spread through him. 

"Ready as I'll ever be." 

They drove off with the radio on low, Geoff's hand placed on his thigh, and the sun low in the sky behind them, illuminating the street ahead. The clouds were a golden grey, blue sky hidden behind them as Michael peaked out the window. He expected his heart to be banging a hammer inside his heart by now, brain buzzing with worry in his head, but everything was silent. Everything was quiet with Geoff next to him. His mind wasn't racing with anxieties or worries it was just. Quiet. 

Maybe this would be okay.

Geoff soon pulled into the parking lot of a building that looked nothing like a church and more like a rec center. Michael looked questioningly to Geoff, but he just smiled back at him. 

"Trust me," Geoff said. And Michael didn't even have to think twice to know that he did. 

They walked into the building, then into a side room with a small rainbow flag on the door. Michael finally felt his heart speed up, felt his hands shake at his sides as Geoff looked at him from outside the room. He should turn around, should go back home and apologize to his parents, apologize to the church-

Geoff grabbed his hand. 

Michael smiled at Geoff. 

They walked inside, door opening with a soft creak as Michael took a deep breath, holding it as they walked through the doorway. There were chairs placed in a circle around the room, people standing, sitting, smiling. Some had bibles resting in their laps, some didn't. There were people with short hair, long hair, piercings and dresses and no one seemed to care. No one seemed to care that Michael's hand was squeezing Geoff's so hard that he was sure there would be a small bruise tomorrow. He would apologize for it later. 

"Welcome back, Geoff!" A woman said as they walked into the room. Geoff smiled at her, walking towards her with Michael in tow. 

"Kdin," He greeted, turning to Michael, "this is Michael." 

The woman, Kdin, turned to Michael with a smile, her glasses pushing up slightly wish her cheeks. 

"Welcome to the community, Michael!" She said, giving him a soft hug before quickly getting distracted by another patron. Geoff laughed quietly and led Michael to the chairs, sitting next to two girls who held hands tightly. 

Just as them. 

"I didn't know you were religious," Michael said, turning to Geoff. Everyone was mingling quietly, soft conversations blurring his own. It was comfortable, nice knowing that no one was really listening to him. 

"I'm not, but my ex-girlfriend had friends in this church so we ended up going to their dinners a lot," Geoff said, waving at someone walking by. "Thought this would be good for you, plus I haven't seen these guys in forever." Michael nodded, watching as Kdin motioned for everyone to sit. 

"Alright everyone," She said, her smile never fading. "Welcome back! I see some new faces mixed in with our group today," She smiled at Michael, winking at him. Geoff squeezed his hand and leaned back. 

Kdin went through her into quickly, talking about fundraisers and future meetings. Michael thought that maybe this was just a club, not really a church. That Geoff had taken him here not knowing what happens within sermons. How they work. 

But then, Kdin took out her bible. Golden pages opening slowly as she adjusted her glasses. 

"I thought I'd start with a quote from Galatians, a passage that is personally important to me." 

Michael took a deep breath. Everyone in the room was looking at her with smiles, comforted by each other's presence. Michael wondered why he couldn't do the same. 

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ," Kdin spoke, voice a melody through Michael's mind. Michael hadn't heard this passage spoken within his church since he was little. Hadn't heard anything positive boomed through a pastors voice since he was three and couldn't understand the hate dripped into the words. His chest felt warm, hand felt warm wrapped with Geoff. He never imagined he would have been holding the hand of a man within a religious prospect, never imagined that he would be surrounded by people just like him, who might hold the same guilt, might have gotten over the same guilt. Who are religious, and free. Who feel safe. "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus," She finished, looking up at the group through her glasses. "Now this one can be compared to my next favorite quote about love. I'm sure we all can feel comforted by this one." The room laughed. "John 4:7-8: Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." 

Michael felt the last quote hit him like a bullet train. 

He wasn't going to cry. He wouldn't cry. He refused to cry. 

But soon enough, he found himself wiping a stray tear away as it fell from his eye, making a wet track down his freckled cheek. 

Maybe there _was_ a community out there who would accept him, who would love him, who he was familiar with and wouldn't have to change for. Maybe he wasn't alone, maybe his feelings weren't blasphemy and sinful and- 

Michael let out a sob. 

Geoff's arms were helping him up in an instant, guiding him quickly out of the room. There were whispers around him and worried glances, but Michael's brain was speeding up, processing what he had just found out, what he could have _always_ found out. What Geoff had led him to and taught him and-

Geoff had brought him here to help him. 

He was out of the room before he knew it, Geoff looking at him worriedly and holding his face with two warm hands. 

"I'm so sorry," Geoff said, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "I didn't think that this could've hurt you-" 

"I'm fine, Geoff," Michael laughed. Did Geoff really think this... hurt him? He put his hands on Geoff's shoulders, smiling softly as he sobbed again. "I'm okay." 

"You just broke down crying in the middle of Kdin's sermon, Michael." 

Michael took a deep breath, forcing the tears to calm and stop flowing. 

"It just... I haven't experienced something like that. It shocked me I guess." 

Geoff sighed, wrapping his arms around Michael and holding him close. Geoff was warm, smelling of cologne and faintly of cigarettes. Michael let himself be held and smiled softly. 

It was okay now. He could feel good things. He could let himself feel good things. 

"Thank you," Michael whispered. 

He knew there would still be guilt, still be bound by his past and his parents, but now that he knew that there were other people like him, knew that it was _okay_ to be like him, well... Maybe now he could just let himself be who he was. 

Maybe, it was time to tell Geoff. 

"Hey Geoff," Michael said, pulling back from the embrace. Geoff looked at him with grey eyes, a smile, and all the love in the world. "I think I might be gay." 

Geoff laughed softly, pressed his lips to Michael's forehead, and kissed him gently. 

"I know, Michael. I am too." 

Warmth flooded Michael's chest. Warmth and heat and love and- 

Michael Jones was gay. He knew he was gay. Geoff knew. 

And it was okay. 

They left shortly after, Michael tired after crying so suddenly infront of people. Kdin came out to check on them and gave Michael a hug, telling him to visit soon, that they were always here with open arms for him. He thanked her, knowing that her words were true. That she really did mean it. 

Geoff dropped Michael off at their meeting spot, awkward goodbye replaced with a hug. Geoff's strong arms wrapping around Michael and keeping him safe. There was only a faint smell of cigarettes, mostly the comforting cologne that he wore. Michael knew he would live for Geoff's hugs, knew that he would want them whenever he could get them now. 

"You still have to go to your parent's church, right?" Geoff asked, pulling away slowly. Michael nodded, feeling the anxiety creep back up. He didn't want to go back to that hateful place, didn't want to listen to the Bibles words twisted for the priest's gain. He didn't want to feel guilty about things he can't control. 

"Yeah." 

Geoff sighed, kissing Michael on his forehead, hand moving the reddish-brown curls out of the way. 

"Be safe and pretend your paying attention, okay?" Geoff smiled, leaving his hand in Michael's hair. "Don't want another boy picking you up in the rain." 

Michael laughed. 

No, he already found one. He didn't need another. 

Michael closed the truck door and waved goodbye. Dread slowly set into Michael's bones as he approached his house. Now, he had to sit through his church, somewhere he didn't feel safe, didn't feel loved and didn't feel God. He walked up to his door, sighed, and slowly opened it.

"I'm home-" 

"Micoo!" 

Gavin Free was standing in his living room with his parents, jeans black and jacket jeaned. His parents looked stressed, looked liked they didn't want him standing there, but couldn't say anything because it was _Gavin_. They practically helped raise him, were practically his foster parents. They _wouldn't_ say anything. 

There was also another man standing next to Gavin. Short brown hair and a beard with a smile. Someone he hadn't met before. Someone who was holding Gavin's hand.

"As I was saying, this is my boyfriend, Dan!" Gavin said with a smile, turning back towards his parents. 

Oh. Gavin _had_ changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my writing is pretty fast pace, especially with Gavin coming in at the end, but I'm working on slowing the pace down! Sorry in the mean timeee


	5. reunion of past supper secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait guys! Next chapter might be a bit of a wait too since Katsucon is coming up, but it will be out before March hopefully!   
> I like to call this chapter 'the supposed calm after the storm before the hurricane' so fucking buckle up!

Michael didn't end up going to church that afternoon. He didn't end up doing anything except convincing Gavin to _leave his parents alone please let's take Dan and go to Ray's place right now_. His parents were more than happy to let them leave, allowing Michael to skip church in order to get Gavin out of their house without having to be rude. He'd get questioned about this later, but as of now, he was just focused on Gavin. 

And as they knocked on Ray's door after a short and silent walk, Gavin turned to Michael. His face looked worried, his thoughts reflected through upturned eyebrows and hands fidgeting with his sleeves. He no longer held Dan's hand, instead, it rested at his side. Michael felt guilt through the misunderstanding. He would explain everything once they were inside. He had to be safe. He had to make sure no one from his church, no one his family knew, was watching them. Waiting for Michael to comfort Gavin. Waiting for Michael to sin. 

The door opened slowly infront of them, Ray's mother greeting them with a smile, hugs were exchanged, pleasantries and greetings of years lost from Gavin being gone. They were hurried, though. Michael constantly pushing Gavin and Dan forward towards Ray's room. He would apologize to Mrs. Narvaez later, not that he would need to. Ray's mother loved him like he was Ray's sibling. She had practically raised all three of them together. Set their morals straight and allowed Ray to be who he was, and allowed Michael and Gavin to see that it was okay. 

He missed those days where it was just them. Where weekly dinners at the Narvaez's meant more than just 'something bad has happened and it's because of who we are'. 

Michael knew as they walked up the stairs to Ray's bedroom that Dan was staring holes into the back of his head. That his first impression of Michael wasn't the best. God knows what Dan was assuming about him. That he wasn't okay with it, that Michael would tell Gavin to leave, to go home and pray to God that he doesn't go to hell. 

Finally, Michael burst into Ray's room, door slammed shut behind them quickly. 

"Michael-" Gavin tired to say.

"Gavin?" Ray asked, looking up from his computer screen, eyes wide as he stood up. 

Michael grabbed Gavin's face, Dan stepping forward quickly, but backing down when Gavin raised a hand towards him. Michael took a deep breath. 

"Gavin I love you so damn much but you don't understand how unbelievably homophobic my parents are _please_ don't pull that shit again," Michael finally said, pulling Gavin in for a tight hug. Gavin sighed in relief, hugging him back tightly, laughing softly against Michael's curls. Dan visibly relaxed next to him, a soft smile on his lips, his hands resting at his sides. 

"God, I thought you hated me there for a second," Gavin said, "The fear in your eyes when I said _boyfriend_." 

Michael laughed and leaned back, watching as Ray finally walked towards them, grabbing Gavin tightly in a hug. 

"Well you have no idea what little mister Michael has been up to," Ray said, turning to Dan with a smile. "Suppose you're the boyfriend?" 

"Correct," Dan smiled, grabbing Gavin's hand once again. "I'm Dan." 

"Ray." 

"Michael, what does Ray mean? What are you up to?" Gavin asked. Michael felt his face heat up at the thought of Geoff. He knew he had a text waiting in his phone, an 'everything go okay?' and maybe a 'miss you' if Geoff was feeling extra soft. He turned to Ray, who just smiled at him, allowing him to speak for himself for once. Michael sighed. 

"Alright, alright. We should sit down for this." 

So, they all sat in a small circle on the floor. Ray curled up in his beanbag chair, Gavin and Dan leaning against each other, hands touching thighs and arms, and Michael leaning against the bed, knees curled loosely against his chest. Wishing that Geoff was here with him. Wishing that he wasn't facing this alone.

"I met this guy a month or two back," Michael started, looking at Gavin. His eyes were already wide with surprise. Michael looked down at the carpet, pulling at a loose string. "His names Geoff-" 

"He drives a truck and wears leather and listens to fucking rock music!" Ray interrupted. Pulling a laugh from Gavin and Dan. 

"That doesn't sound like you at all Michael!" Gavin smiled. 

"Whatever. He's sweet." Michael blushed. Flipping Ray off. "Anyway, we started hanging out. A lot. All of us, Me, him, Ray, and his friend Ryan." 

"Who's hot as shit." 

"Ray's trying to fuck Ryan," Michael said. 

"Oh, of course, you are Ray, you little shit!" Gavin laughed. 

" _Anyway_ ," Michael said again, glaring at Ray. Ray held his hands up in defense, but kept his mouth shut. "We hung out more. And more. And he took me to his church. And it was, God Gavin, Ray, it was the most amazing thing. It was so welcoming and the preacher, Kdin, was so sweet and-" 

Michael took a deep breath. 

"-and I'm gay." 

Everyone stayed silent. The room froze, a dark, cold feeling settling into Michael's bones. He admitted it. _he admitted it_. He couldn't go back now, it was spoken to them. It was spoken into the universe _again_ and God heard him _again_. He said he was gay. He was going to fucking hell his parents were going to hate him his mother is going to be heartbroken he would never have a future he was doomed to hell he-

"Thank you for sharing that with us Michael," Dan said, finally breaking the suffocating silence. "That must have been hard for you to say." 

The weight of the room lifted, smoke clearing as Michael looked back up and the people in front of him.

"We're all still here for you, Michael," Gavin said as well, grabbing Michael's hand with a soft smile. 

At the friends in front of him.

"And to be fair, I'm pretty sure no one in this room is straight. So you're not judged here," Ray said back. Michael smiled, relief flooding through him. He wasn't even sure why he had been worried. Michael had already said he was gay before. Already spoken it aloud to Geoff, let Geoff have that secret, gave it to him. He had no reason to freak out, had no reason to feel guilty or worry about what God would think. Because frankly? It didn't matter. 

He was who he was. Nothing could change that. Nothing could make him different. 

"Thank's guys," Michael said, a smile on his face. He took a deep breath, letting the conversation drift slowly to different topics, updates on Gavin's life, mentions on what has happened while Gavin's been gone, tidbits of information about Dan and their life. 

It felt... good to tell them. He knew Ray had known, despite Michael never told him directly. He knew Gavin and Dan wouldn't have cared, they weren't straight themselves. He knew that Geoff didn't care. And if he told Ryan, he wouldn't either. But it still felt good to say it out loud. Felt good to be open to his friends, share intimate parts of himself to people he cared about. It felt good to be okay with being himself. To let himself be himself. 

Somehow, his mind drifted to Geoff. How when he told him that he was gay, he didn't feel scared. He didn't feel like the weight of the world was going to fall upon his shoulders and crush him down into a fiery hellscape for him to reside in forevermore. There wasn't the crushing feeling of guilt that resided in his chest constantly entrapping him into the cycle of fear. There was none of it. Just like now. There was nothing. Just a calm sense of being. Just Geoff. Standing in the room with him. There.

Gavin made eye contact. He slowly stood up, leaving Dan and Ray to talk about whatever video game they were rambling excitedly about, then curled up next to Michael, his arms wrapping around Gavin. 

"I'm really happy for you Michael," Gavin whispered, a soft smile on his face. "I was so worried that you would be mad at me. That you would hate me." Gavin picked at his shoestrings, leaning his head against Michael's shoulder. 

"I could never hate you, Gav." 

"Yeah, but you were so distant when I left. We barely texted." 

Michael frowned. He had been distant when Gavin moved back to England. It hadn't been fully his fault, his parents occupied him with church and school and chores, constantly busy as to not let sinful thoughts wander. He barely had time to see Ray those days. Barely had time for any social life. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ghost you." 

He kissed Gavin's head pulling him tight. 

So many things were changing. So many things were quickly falling out of place in his life. The church, his friends, his family. Things were being shoved out of the box he had neatly had them placed in, and it was scary. 

But he had people there for him. He had Ray, Gavin, Dan and Ryan. He had Geoff. He had Kdin and the church she held. And they all had him. 

Michael pulled his phone out, a text from Geoff sitting in his notifications. 

_Geoff: Hoped everything went okay today at church._

Michael smiled. He opened his camera and elbowed Gavin, who perked up with a smile. Michael took a picture just as Gavin pinched his cheek, Michael wincing slightly but still smiling, eyes shining. After that, Gavin quickly got distracted by Dan smiling at him. He moved back over to his boyfriend slowly, curling up in his lap with a soft smile. Ray rolled his eyes at them and fake gagged.

_Michael: Gallery Message_

_Michael: Got a little busy, parents let me skip because Gavin showed up with his boyfriend._

_Geoff: Suprised your parents didn't shoot him on the spot._

Michael smiled and slipped his phone back into his pocket. 

Yeah, Michael was actually really surprised they didn't.


	6. and at the crossroads of two endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow!!! i finally pulled an ending out of my ass! this isnt really what i wanted to end you guys with, but finals are next week and i wanted to finish this for myself because thats what this fic has always been for me, processing my own christian guilt with my sexuality. anyway, thank you to those who have been waiting for me to finish this! i know this chapter is way short but i wanted to end it short and sweet with an ending you guys can imagine on your own :)

Michael had to head back home sometime, had to face his parents, face the conversation that was going to happen eventually. Face the hate, the spite, the downcasted looks of 'we know who you are'. Even if he hadn't come out himself, he essentially had. 

To his church, being kind to one was essentially being one. 

Gavin had left with Dan soon after, their night filled with remembrance and catch ups, an old middle-school hangout reinvented. 

And it was when Michael was walking home that night, when the sun had set far past the horizon line, stars dancing in the sky, that the weight of what truly happened fell upon his shoulders. 

Soon enough, he would face his parents. Soon enough he would have to explain Gavin and Dan, and thus questions upon himself would fall in place and they would know. And they...

Michael wasn't too sure what they would do then. But he didn't feel well about the situation. 

As he walked down the road of his neighborhood, he looked down at his shoes. The pavement moved below him slowly as he avoided the potholes in the street. It wasn't a sidewalk kind of night, not that it mattered. All the good Christian kids went to bed at dusk and left Michael to wander alone beneath the stars for all to see. Left him in the dark to become lost. 

It had always been like this, hadn't it?

Michael had always known that there was something wrong with him. But them Geoff came, and then suddenly that something wrong became okay. And then suddenly he found himself. He found others. 

He found Geoff.

Who was standing at the end of the street, cigarette not in hand, three houses down from his own. 

"Geoff?" Michael asked. The man turned around and smiled at him, black hair shining beneath the moonlight and oh so suddenly, he understood everything. 

They were never gray like a storm, Geoff's eyes. Never mimicking dark clouds looming overhead as rain fell silently, never the fear brimming atop Michael's chest as he breathed, running a marathon in place of his mind. No. 

Geoff's eyes were gray like how the moon lights up the blackest of the sky a mid gray. Like the stars flickering above them and dancing between constellations. Just as it was now, shining on Geoff as he stood infront of him. Three doors down from his home. 

"Oh, Michael. Thought I'd catch you here," he said with a smile, that very same smile that caught him all those months ago in the rain on the steps of the church. "Wanted to make sure you got home okay before you had to talk to your folks." Geoff closed the space between them, and Michael could smell the sweet cologne that he always wore and the leather cloaked around his shoulders. 

And as always, suddenly, ever so fully, Michael started crying. 

His shoulders shook with the weight pouring off them like a stream that had built up behind a dam, only to be broken years later. Broken by Geoff, who he truly had felt he loved. Who he truly knew he wanted to be with. Geoff said nothing as he wrapped his tattooed arms around him and kissed the top of his head, a silent promise of-

We are going to be okay. 

Michael wanted to tell his parents oh so badly, wanted to be open and accepted and fully loved for who he is, not who they want him to be. And maybe he felt the chance of his family casting him off for who he is, somehow outweighed the slimness of a possibility that they would still love him, and be there to hold him just as Geoff was now. 

Maybe, he wanted to take that chance. 

Maybe, he wanted to take it with Geoff. 

"Geoff," Michael whispered into the man's tear-stained shirt. "Can you come home with me tonight?" 

Geoff nodded without a second of hesitation. 

"Of course, Michael. Of course, I will." 

Michael knew he would have to tell Ray, Gavin, and even Dan, the outcome of the situation tomorrow, whatever it may be. But for now, he was focused on Geoff's hand in his own, the light from his parents' kitchen window, and a crossroads with two possibilities. 

Love,

and hatred. 

And with the strength of everything he had been through within these last few months, Michael opened his front door slowly, squeezed Geoff's hand, and closed his eyes. He stepped through the doorway.

"Mom, Dad, there's someone I'd like you to meet." 

And when Michael opened them from inside his front room, he saw Geoff next to him, and that's all that really mattered.

"This is my boyfriend, Geoff."


End file.
